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CAITLIN RUTH, CHILD STAR

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[13 May 2010|01:49am]
so this isn't going to work. i'm breaking up with this livejournal. i tried to before but never did it successfully.

it will always be here. i will never make it private or delete it. i just need to try something new. i am out of school (until summer at least). in the coming months i have a lot to do. i plan to pay off my $700 fine, lose some weight, donate plasma, find a job, and maybe even get a couple more tattoos.

things have been really weird since i went to the slammer, as anyone who actually reads this may remember. i don't know when i'll ever feel right about it. it hurts thinking about chris, and how much i love him. how i thought he loved me, but doesn't seem to need me now that he has a car. it's feelings like this that make this journal sad for me. from the time i started this thing i've, for some reason, tried to remember feelings like this.

i wouldn't say i've been sad constantly for entirety of this journal. i've always just found it easier to write when i'm reflective and i'm generally reflective when upset. so my bad i guess.

also, i'm not really into rooney anymore. i realized this the other day when i said aloud, for the first time ever, "i don't really think i like rooney anymore." sure their first album was good and fun (i still love it, honestly) and i wanted robert carmine and taylor locke to be my boyfriends. they remind me of being young. but i no longer want my public livejournal representing these sentiments.

the new journal, for any of you who wanna stick around:


caitlinruthless


i'll be adding some of you, so don't be surprised.


love,
caitlin
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[04 Apr 2010|01:03am]
i'm sick of spending these lonely nights training myself not to care
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[01 Apr 2010|05:23pm]
forever green, i know she's here, in california
i can see the tears
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wish fulfillment [19 Mar 2010|12:05am]
i see your wishes on the wall, and that's alright with me
i see you run to make a call, hoping that there's someone free
your life and my life, they don't touch at all
and that's no way to be
we've never seemed so far

what's real? what is true?
i ain't turning my back on you
where're you goin'? where've you been?
making wishes, watching dreams

it might be simple, it might be true
i might be overwhelmed by you
you might be empty, the way your eyes just look right through
it's such a mess now anyway, wish fulfillment every day
i don't believe you, now i can't hear a word you say

i see you shaking in the light, reading the headline news
the others they're not quite so bright, we want them to choose you
i could almost see your face tonight, singing simple rhythm n' blues
you'll always be a star

shake it baby! c'mon scream!
just see your face in a magazine
don't doubt it, leaves me sore!
i can't stand it anymore

it's my favorite shot of you
you look so pretty, your eyes were true
i'm still on your side, in spite of everything you do
we're only blood on blood on life, your pretty pictures every night
come wish beside me
don't you know you know what's right?
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[27 Feb 2010|08:21pm]
chris and i spent last night in jail for public intoxication. i also had a charge for "resisting arrest" even though i followed all the cops' orders. i guess i just gave them some attitude. fuck it. jail was freezing, as in three vents blowing cold air on one size of the cell. i hated it. the food was weird looking so i just ate the cornbread. some latina took me under her wing and stopped me from crying. that was nice. i just hope i never go to that fucking place again.

i'm sure our friends know about this, and people from last night's party--some of them i may not even know because certain people (who will remain nameless) like to run their mouths. i am sure they have their opinions. but here's my opinion, which is more important than the opinions of the people who were not there, and therefore not involved:

i can't change the fact that last night happened, or that people know details. but anyone who wasn't there needs to mind their own goddamn business. chris and i are fine. things could have been so much worse. in my mind, everything is going to be alright.
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[12 Feb 2010|09:52pm]
i'm the problem.
i'm the one who has to leave.
i'm out of control.
i'm a force to be reckoned with.
my life is a paradox.
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it's so [23 Jan 2010|03:40pm]
here i am on day 7 without zoloft. it's stupid. i never thought some pills would matter so much to me. i don't think it's being without the pills that is driving me crazy, but more so, the side effects of not taking them. i'm acting just like i used to, and i seriously kind of hate myself.

i am so much better than this.
1 comment|post comment

[11 Jan 2010|09:29pm]
i can go with the flow, i can say it doesn't matter anymore






this really has nothing to do with anything. OR DOES IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it doesn't.
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[01 Jan 2010|10:19pm]
it is interesting to see how quickly things develop and change within a week's time.
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[22 Sep 2009|04:24pm]
every time i think things are finally okay with us, shit hits the fan. for every prayer that comes from my lips, the opposite happens.
2 comments|post comment

i like the way you move [30 Jun 2009|03:48pm]
[ mood | content ]

i figured i'd update this thing while my boss has stepped out for the next indefinite number of hours.
i work at a law firm now. i'd say i pretty much love this job: my own fucking little office, with filing cabinets and a computer and a shredder and a fax machine. and i'm just the courier. i'm in charge of making deliveries to other law offices, filing client documents, answering the phone, and making copies.
at first i dreaded coming into work, because this particular lawyer is intimidating. for instance, on my third day of work he totally freaked out on me because i didn't take a client's number down when they called (i figured he already had it). before asking him for a day off next month, i had to close my eyes and count back from ten, completely feigning some sort of composure as i stood in front of him. i have never been that nervous about needing time off.
last week, however, i realized he's all talk. he walks in and starts going through the filing cabinets, then says, in a huff, "caitlin, in this office, we file things alphabetically. so that would mean that there is no way an 'M' file could come before a 'P' file." he just stands there for a minute staring at the files, realizing his mistake. "whatever, i don't even care," he growls. i had to smile a little as he walked out, defeated. so much for his phd, not even knowing his abc's...i can't believe i just typed that.
but yeah, i really like working here. the hours are great--one to five, monday thru friday. and i get thursday and friday off this week, just because saturday is the 4th and that's how they roll at this office. i'm starting to even get used to my boss's attitude. i'm really proud of myself.

it's summer. nothing has really gone on yet. my family went to florida. i was invited but i insisted that i'd be getting a job, and i did, so i didn't go. i ended up house-sitting mine and my grandma's place for two weeks. on my family's first day out i invited a few people to come swimming at my grandma's. it turned into a party that i really didn't want to have. a bunch of faggoty people showed up, didn't even say hi to me, even though it was my place, and three ipods ended up being stolen: mine, chris's, and this girl brittany's.
neither chris nor i knew anything till the next morning because we passed out. a few days later, i was wishing andrew a happy birthday when he informed me that for some reason, brittany had left the party with chris's ipod. i sent her a text asking for it and she just said, "that sucks." i thought, well that's really fucking weird. so i kinda left it alone for a couple days, thinking maybe it would all just take care of itself, until george's girlfriend kiley told me the same story. except she added that brittany caraway had pulled the ipod out at cheddar's in front of like, seven people, and announced that she just took the other ipod she found on the patio to compensate for her own. i was pissed.
i sent brittany another text telling her, "you better give that ipod back." and she sends me three back, talking about how i'm "shady" and that her taking it wasn't a move against chris but definitely against me, and that this was "the second time she went out of her way to hang out with me and something got stolen."
OKAY. LET'S BACK UP HERE. THERE ARE TWO THINGS WRONG WITH HER LOGIC. one, she didn't go out of her way to see me. she merely showed up at the pool with andrew because they are fucking, apparently. and two, the assumption that i stole not one, but two things from this broad, is ridiculous. (the first time she's referring to is when she got really drunk with me & a few other folks in our junior year of high school and irresponsibly left her wallet in a thicket of greenery beside my house, because i guess she was peeing or throwing up there. my grandmother later found it, then lost it again, and then by the time it was found again, she had already moved away to college.)
anyway, i started telling her off and a ridiculous argument ensued via text. meanwhile, chase is telling me that some guy had actually sold an ipod to his friend bryan a couple days before for $25 and that it matched the description of brittany's ipod. i don't know how true this story is, but he said that bryan would be happy to sell the ipod back to her (i don't know how right it is to try to make money off someone trying to get their own shit back, but then again, this bitch stole chris's ipod, so i went with it). she was like, "i'll definitely buy it" and said they could take care of it whenever possible.
i told chris all that was going on with her. he read the texts she sent me and got pissed. he just wanted his shit back and we knew she had it. so he called her. she didn't answer. he left her two messages: one said that if she did not call back by noon the next day he was going to call the cops, and the other said that he would call her before just to give her a second chance. i asked her if she got the messages, to which she replied, "i never check them." so i told her what they said.
and she went off. all of a sudden she tried to say that her brother had an ipod just like chris's, so the one she had was actually his. she threatened to file a harrassment report if i didn't stop texting her. it was rigoddamndiculous.
the next day chase asks for her number because he wants to settle the transaction and get bryan's money. she ended up giving back chris's ipod (that suddenly materialized, obviously!?) but not giving any money to chase. needless to say, he was pissed. but that's beside the point. i'm just glad chris got his shit back, and according to chase, her ipod had some water damage. karma's a bitch. :)
i still don't have my ipod though. oh well. i will hopefully get one that's like 120 gigs for my birthday, with my name engraved as kind of a "fuck you" to anyone that even thinks about pocketing it.

speaking of missing things, last saturday, george, kevin, alanah, jarrod, cory, and i went swimming. it was a really chill time of talking and being thrown by kevin, and then everyone left. a bit afterwards, i got a call from george, telling me he thought he left his wallet at my grandma's. i looked everywhere but couldn't find it. i even went and picked up george across town so he could look, but to no avail. i told him i could get him early the next day, father's day, and then we'd look together when it was bright outside. we still couldn't find it. he deduced that it could have only been at my grandma's, in tina's car, or at cvs. tina didn't see it in her car, he called cvs and they hadn't seen it, and it obviously wasn't at my grandma's. he was pretty drunk that day so he couldn't pinpoint where else it could be. i was worried that when people found out about that siutation they would think that i'm a whorish thief and that my grandma's house is a black hole. luckily, two days later, it was retrieved in tina's car. SCORE.

my great-grandma dorothy (whom i will now refer to as dot) flipped a bitch on me on father's day, right after george left my grandma's. i think she was under the impression that i had some sort of party the day before, which is not true, or that i was having relations with george, which is so not true. things seemed normal and expected when she showed up at my grandma's after the "beautiful service" at church, as she referred to it. she asked me if i could help her and granddad get a few things from the car, and i happily obliged. i had already fed the cats, so i didn't really know what else to do.
i sat on the loveseat playing with my phone when i heard this awful yelling.
"GET IN HERE AND CLEAN THESE CAT PANS RIGHT NOW!" and then i see dot gingerly coming towards me. she got right up in my face and told me that i "hadn't seen her mad yet". i tried to reason with her. i commented on how unnecessary the whole situation was. but she kept pushing me into the laundry room (where the litterboxes are) and then into the garage.
she told me, "YOU'RE WORTHLESS!" then picked up the poop-scoop and chunked it at me with all her old-lady might. "WORTHLESS!" it was like a scene from mommie dearest. at this point i gave my grandma neda, her daughter, a call in florida to let her know shit had hit the fan--and i wasn't sure why. she told me to just ignore it because she deals with it on the daily. that was my plan, until i went back into the house.
dot stormed into the laundry room as i was cleaning out the other litter box and started banging shit around, transferring the trash in the laundry room into the garage trashcan for no good reason.
i told her, "grandma, could you stop? there's really no need for all this." my great granddad leon is agreeing and telling her, "come on dorothy, let's go."
but she insisted on adding fuel to the fire, telling me that my dad is probably rolling over in his grave disappointed in all the things i do. i was pissed; she had no room to bring up my dad like that.
"WHAT DO I DO? I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!" i retorted. probably not the best choice of words, but i was offended. she goes on to say that i know "exactly" what i do and so do "all the people i lay with." what the fuck does that mean? i've had sex with one guy. she asked me what i had done with these towels she washed a few days before (and placed on the couch for some reason). i told her i took them out to the pool, because they are pool towels.
"OH, YOU REALLY NEED 5 TOWELS FOR TWO PEOPLE HUH?!" this is when i realized that she didn't know whether it was just me or george or that i had thrown a party.
either way i told her, "well yeah, there were five people here."
she said something along the lines of, "YOU'RE 20 YEARS OLD, AN ADULT, AND ALL YOU DO WITH YOUR LIFE IS PARTY!" (damn right.) i think she may have even thrown in the word worthless again.
i remember the last thing she said before i snuck out through the garage was, "YOU'LL NEVER HOLD A JOB IF YOU'RE TOO STUPID TO TAKE CARE OF THE CATS!"
it was ridiculous. i haven't apologized to her; i don't think i need to. if anything, she should be apologizing, but i know she never will. i guess i shouldn't have cussed at her. if i do end up giving her a call, i'll probably say sorry for that.

in other news, my family is back in town, and i'm in the process of redecorating my room. i did my first abstract painting the other day from a mix of acrylic, tempura, and watercolor paints. it's titled what goes through my head when i listen to sonic youth. which brings me to my next point. I AM SEEING SONIC YOUTH IN 16 DAYS! i'm going to get in the front fucking row. i love them, so much. i figured in seventh grade that i would love that band in due time when i heard "teenage riot". and my prediction was correct. also, justin called me last night! we've been talking fairly often since he moved back to virgina. then i stopped getting calls for a few weeks. i found out last night that this is because he's been in michigan for the last month or so and that he will be for another month, and that he's hardly been getting any reception (i had wondered why he didn't respond to the picture message of my new kitten, remington "remy" flash). he told me he misses it here, and that he'd like to get some money together and at least visit. :D :D :D

life is really working right now.

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justin kyle johnson [20 Apr 2009|07:43pm]
[ mood | crushed ]



you don't know what you've got till it's gone, i guess. justin moved back to chesapeake. he was only here for a few months. he just couldn't really get his rent paid, and now he says he has a plan. i hope he does, but even still i feel ever sicker. i screamed and punched my bed and i've been crying and crying and crying. chris and i held each other and cried together in the car. i don't know what it was that he wanted from coming here. i don't know if it was that he really wanted a change of scenery, or that he came here just for me and ended up making a few other good friends as well. it just wasn't his time to leave. i've been praying. i wish he'd just turn around and drive back because he always has a place to sleep at my house. but until we go see him, or until he realizes how much we love and miss him and decides to come back, i suppose the memories we've made since january just have to sleep here in my heart.

i really do love justin. and seeing him leave wichita falls, for good, for a second time...hurts more than anything has hurt in a long, long time.
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[21 Jun 2008|12:08pm]
[ mood | worried ]

it's still hard for me to trust people. shit!

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fun and games with caitlin ruth [11 Jun 2008|03:47pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Q:
why do i sit here waiting my day away?

A:
a. there isn't shit to do.
b. don't have any money.
c. nothing seems worth the effort.
d. i'd rather see him than not.
e. all of the above.




well ladies and gentlemen, the answer is e.

1 comment|post comment

how much more can i take? [30 May 2008|11:49am]
[ mood | calm ]

life is fucking weird. over the past week so many different things have happened. i'll condense all of these events into a list.

1. last friday, chris and i decided we needed to get healthier, mentally. but just drink sometimes. needless to say, we spent all weekend drinking.
2. saturday, amanda had her 19th birthday party at her new house. that was pretty fun. i got to see megan bolin and try jello shots for the first time.
3. i don't think anything really happened sunday. except chris and i went to see tim and mike's new house.
4. monday was memorial day, 2008. the night seemed to be going great. we were shitfaced at george's and having a good time..until i made some smartass remark to chris as we were leaving, resulting in basically the biggest drunken altercation either of us has ever experienced. i was screaming and crying at his house, which upset his mother, and my mom had to come get me.
5. tuesday and wednesday were pretty much decent days, but with some occasional pissy moments. still haven't talked to chris's mom, though i did send her a text apologizing. she said it was okay, but i still feel like shit. my mom got a new job though, which will hopefully be great for her.
6. yesterday, a few sort of monumental things happened.
                A. i got a job at this place called vector, that markets and sells cutco knives--very nice knives. i will be making $13 an hour with bonuses, which is such an improvement from fucking $5.85 at the theater! i found out that glaze also got a job there recently. it really kicks ass to have a friend working with you when you didn't expect it.
                B. also yesterday, chris and i called a truce over everything. we discussed what's been on his mind lately, since he's had more time to himself since monday. i speculated that we are both exhibiting symptoms of depression. chris needs a punching bag. i need a self-esteem boost (i think new clothes would help). and we both need to get out of this fucking town.
                C. went to glaze's graduation. woo! there was a girl there, the valedictorian, whose dad didn't get to be there to see her walk because he's in iraq. but in a surprise move, she got to see him on webcam in front of everyone. it was really sad for me because my dad didn't get to go to mine. i teared up a little.
                D. drank at george's again. i worked on pacing myself this time. and luckily there wasn't any KD or that would have sucked.
7. today, i attened cunningham's kindergarten graduation. it was so nice to get to see those kids! i haven't seen them in over a month since i started homeschooling tessa and my cousins. they all seemed really happy to see me, too.

things have been not really awkward, but definitely different, since that memorial day. chris and i haven't been together like we normally are. i've been having to wait till he feels like seeing me. i've come to understand that, yes, people do need time apart. but either way, it kind of hurts for everything to have shifted so quickly. i'm just hoping for the best! after all, we have a whole three months before school starts again. today will be fun, i think.

in other news: hahaaaaaaaa, i really hate sluts. i just don't see what is so attractive about sitting there speaking loudly and openly about devaluing one's own self worth.

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he might say meow, or get hurt and say ow. [17 Feb 2008|11:43pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]

    so, here's an update on the status of that list from the last entry:

    i put in my two weeks notice at the theater. chase told chris he figured i'd quit if chris did; in actuality, we just agreed to quit at the same time today. i got fed up. the assistant manager i mentioned pissed me off pretty bad.
    here's the deal with me: i go to school full time, and work another job monday thru friday; therefore, i'm always busy. i was scheduled to work 3:30 to close on wednesday at the theater. i was like, "i'll pass."
    so i asked a girl i work with, cherelle, if she'd be interested in taking my shift that day. she said yes. so i told both the manager, gary, and assistant manager, shady, what was up and asked if it was okay. at first shady was like, "ohh, idk, gary made the schedule so you'll have to talk to him." he was out of town that day, of course, so he just redirected me to shady, who then said, "i'll have to see what's up with the schedule." i'm like, "okay.."
    for some reason, i wasn't having very good feelings about the request at that point. and rightly so! i asked her today, "ever look at the schedule?"
    "yeah..the thing with that is, i need you to work a full day, because everyone else has, so you should have to, too."
    BULLSHIT ALERT. full day? excuse me? what do you call never having a saturday to myself because i have to be at work from 1 to fucking close? i feel like i've worked more "full days" than she has since she became the assistant manager. and secondly, gary told me before that if i had someone to do the shift, schedule changes were a-okay. so i called her on it. i said, "i don't care about that. and look, i work two jobs."
    shortly thereafter she left to get food, without even really replying to what i said, and by that time i was pissed off and crying. and chris said, "let's just walk out. let's quit right now. we'll just leave a note on the door that says 'we quit' and sign our names." harder than it sounds, at least for me. (but damn that would be awesome, right?)
    anyway, it was kind of awkward because we wrote our two weeks notices (chris actually just made his for one haha), expecting to just hand them off to shady after counting our money--and then gary shows up. i wanted to talk to him, apologize, tell him it wasn't his fault because he's going to think it is (he's like that). but i didn't. and chris didn't either. so we waited for him to leave, then handed shady the letters. and then i made the final note that i would not be there on wednesday because i had things to do.

    watch them try to write me up for that.

    my overall situation hasn't exactly taken a turn for awesome, but i feel like some things got settled earlier and i feel a lot better. i feel like i might actually get some rest tonight.

    sooner or later i'll have it all figured out. mark my words.

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help? [18 Jan 2008|01:00pm]
[ mood | busy ]

how did i go from being so happy just last year to this mess i am now?

1. i worry a lot, and overthink often meaningless remarks. i'm positive i'm just paranoid, but i genuinely feel like everyone is trying to undermine me, all the time. this feeling usually comes about when someone makes an asshole comment about a girl (e.g. "she's hot, i'd fuck her") or mentions something that makes me feel awkward.
2. i eat at strange times and get full really quickly. i guess this is a good thing because i'm not getting fat, but i know there has to be something up with it. for instance, i woke up today at 10:30, hungry, but waited till two to eat because i couldn't find the time before. that can't be good for me.
3. i don't really like working at the movie theater anymore. for one, i make minimum wage. secondly, my face gets oily from standing over the popper, or sometimes just in the concession stand at all. and lastly, i don't like how the assistant manager is younger than i am. it's really lame. but for some reason, even with these reasons repeating themselves over and over in my head, i'd feel really guilty if i quit. so i don't know what to do.
4. i try and try to improve myself so i'll feel better on the inside, and it works--until i realize i still can't technically call chris my boyfriend and feel worthless again. seems like old news, i know, but i can't just force myself to stop being attracted to him. i know i shouldn't let a guy determine my personal value, but i miss feeling special and he made me feel that way. it was like he always wanted me there.
5. i've been so incredibly busy lately, and for no reason! i don't get it. i have to make myself to-do lists just to stay on top of things. i guess that's a good idea but it's still not really like me at all.

fuck.

2 comments|post comment

it's not the grammar, it's the feeling. [29 Oct 2007|12:31am]
[ mood | not underwhelmed ]

the past two nights have been great. i'm still a bit turned on. it's really not only sexual. it's a combination of that, the events that have happened, and the music i'm hearing. basically, i just hope things continue to go well.

just 7 lbs. to go till my first tattoo (it's a reward, you know? i'm preventing that freshman fifteen from happening).

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[20 Oct 2007|09:14pm]
i would do anything to have a picture or two from each day of the past one-and-a-half years. all i have are the pictures on my old phone, which isn't chargeable at the moment, and then there's everything inside my head. all those memories are just so lovely.

god, i miss having a lot of pictures. i did over the summer, till the computer crashed for the third time in less than a year. i had a lot of good music too. sucks.
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wise words from ben kweller [12 Oct 2007|09:21am]
sometimes i wonder if you're still here
lookin’ out for anything that could fall 
and hit your head.
fluorescent lights burn out in time, dear
we see the world in a different light
did you give up?

love is supposed to be this bad, 
make you cry mega-ultra sad.
if i told you you’re all i ever had
would you walk on me? 
because i wouldn't walk on you

if i was in your shoes
i wouldn't walk all over you
so please don't walk all over me
if i was in your shoes
i wouldn't walk all over you
so please don't walk all over me.

right now i feel like it's all ending 
spit me out, sell me cheap
you'll never, ever, ever, ever, ever teach me to fly
in the sky it's early and still mornin’
all those smiles you made wanted to cry 'cos you gave up.

love is supposed to be this bad, 
make you cry stupid shady sad.
if i told you you’re all i ever had
would you walk on me? 
because i wouldn't walk on you

if i was in your shoes
i wouldn't walk all over you
so please don't walk all over me
if i was in your shoes
i wouldn't walk all over you
so please don't walk all over me.
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